So, it has been slightly over two months since I ‘officially’ launched Healer’s Lodge and ‘put myself out there’.
Big moment.
All the fear, anxiety and anticipation I had, culminating in that moment of announcement to the world. Congratulations and accolades came and went. My fears and anxiety dissipated. The moment came and went. 160 followers and a day later, I felt empowered and confident, positive that the path is set for me henceforth as a healer (I still cringe at this word, seriously).
In the next few weeks that followed, I poured my heart and soul into creating daily social content — the marketing blood in me cruising through my veins as I cracked my brains thinking what to show, how to show, when to show, every single day. I was determined to show up for the world and for the imaginary community I had already envisioned in my mind. I needed to be out there, to be seen and heard, to offer my service and share whatever sage wisdom I had. It’s only the beginning and I have such grand plans!
What I didn’t envisage was the toll it would take on my mind, body and spirit, going about the way I was going.
I started to feel stressed up over my content. While putting up random posts in a whim comes as second nature to me on my personal social account @imanerak, the need to come up with recurring content themes, with noteworthy captions and aesthetically pleasing designs with a personal yet professional touch on Healer’s Lodge was slowly but surely eating me up.
Random thoughts would swamp me.
“How will people relate to this?”
“What will people think?”
“How will I sound?”
“Why would people care?”
“What makes you think you’re qualified to say that?”
“That sounded lame.”
“What—no one responded?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
Etc. etc...
I started feeling emotions in overdrive. Self-doubts, insecurity, directionless, fears, worries, anxiety crept up as I subconsciously equate effort to likes and follows—and, likes and follows to the success of Healer’s Lodge! The more effort I put in, the more I expected, and the more I expected, the more resistance I felt. It’s like, the more effort I put in, the greater the disappointment when results don’t match the expectations. To a point where I started feeling stressed and jaded each time I turned on my laptop and stared at the screen in front of me. Same questions, same routine — I couldn’t see any light at the end of this. It was becoming a vicious cycle that I couldn’t and didn’t know how to stop. Put simply, I was running out of steam and I knew it was a matter of time before I had to pause and recollect myself again.
Then the flu came. And I welcome it.
Even so, I was still having so much internal struggles having to stop posting my content so abruptly. I was worried about how my followers would react. Would they stop following me? Would they now see through my bluff and finally recognise the bogus healer that I have been, one who threw in the towel after just one month? One who cannot be trusted to walk the talk? How would I ever recover from this blip professionally? What should I do after this? Where is Healer’s Lodge heading to? Where am I heading to?
So many questions, so little answers.
But at that moment, all I knew was that I needed to pause and rest. And reflect. And #Reiki on. And Reiki I did. I adhered to my daily routine of self-Reiki and did plenty of reading and resting. I experimented with cement and started having fun coming up with cement crafts. I walked barefoot in the park again and grounded myself every day with meditation. I allowed myself to cry when the urge came. I allowed myself to take naps when sleep calls and not feel guilty about it. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable when people ask me if I had any clients so far. I allowed myself to feel everything except to wallow in self-pity.
For if it was one thing I knew fervently inside, it was that I wasn’t hiding. I wasn’t hiding from responsibility or taking the easy way out. I just needed this break to feel and remember myself again.
Something in me always knew that I would be back stronger and happier, and this is just another lesson of life. The Universe always has a way to deliver messages when we needed to hear them.
The Aftermath
After two weeks of hiatus, I got back to social media and work. This time round, I knew as much as I wanted to honour my community and my work, it was also important for me to remain true to myself and honour who I am. Because if I cannot be true to myself, how can I be true for others?
I want to write freely again without feeling constant performance anxiety or placing too much care about people’s perceptions. Number of followers and likes on social media does not equate my worth as a person!
I want to engage with my audience not for Google/Facebook/Instagram’s statistics but simply because I really want to know each and every one of my followers, who they are and what makes them. (Yes, the 48 of you at point of writing, I am super grateful for you!)
I want to share my knowledge not to be seen as a spiritual teacher but simply because sharing and inspiring fuels me. It is indeed my passion and raison d'etre for being.
I want to be a Reiki healer because I see its benefits and what it can do for people. The awful truth is, if the money comes, it’s all well and good but if the money doesn’t, the Universe will find other ways to sustain my living anyway!
I want to be true to myself and if it means showing up with all my vulnerability and flaws, so be it. After all, I’m only a human just like everyone else and I am healing and growing as much as you, him and her.
I was away, but I have never really been away. And now I am back recharged as promised, clearer than ever, ready to serve and make some ripples! 😊
P.S. : I am deeply grateful that none of my followers dropped out during my hiatus. Although my ego just whispered, “No one even noticed your absence lah, haha!”
Urrghhhhh!!!
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