Separation.
Of an identity that we created for ourselves.
These were what transpired to me during my meditation one morning.
There’s my own labeling of myself as a marketer. As if by doing so, I add on another layer of sophistication and validity to my being. The title, the symbol, the significance of being a professional for a good 20 years of my life, bearing witness to all the experience and wisdom I have garnered through the years. This identification as a marketer helped give me a sense of purpose and importance in life so far, but as I discovered now, it also inevitably became a tool I used to sabotage myself. This grasping onto some labels that aren’t even built on anything solid, but that has certainly caused so much suffering in my life.
My ego grasped at it. Sucking off it constantly to make itself feel seen and heard.
At times when the ego is feeling good,
“Look, I am a seasoned marketer!”
“Don’t forget I know my stuff!”
At times when the ego is feeling threatened,
“Don’t teach me what to do!”
“He’s disrespecting me!”
At times when the ego starts to feel some uncertainty at being called out,
“I don’t really know my stuff.”
“After 20 years of being a marketer, I’m really just a failure.”
“You’re really not so good, are you?”
You see, the ego keeps going on. It needs to play on my mind to feel seen and heard. It convinces me that I am nothing without a label. And I really believe it for so long. The slightest imagined slight to my professionalism will hurt me so much that I’d spend the rest of day reeling, resenting the perpetrator for their lack of judgement, hating them for not ‘seeing’ the ‘real’ me, gradually believing my imagined perception of their perceived perception of me, and doubting myself more and more as time passes.
Except that it isn’t the real me, of course.
I am not just a labeled title that people or I myself give to me. The expectations just came about because of my own grasping at the label and giving it so much importance that it covered up the essence of the being inside of it. So what if I am a professional or seasoned marketer?
It. Is. Just. A. Title.
Period.
It does not determine my value as a human being, and I am neither good nor bad by that count.
I just am.
Don’t need a label.
And somehow the moment I saw how so much of my sufferings stemmed from this grasping of a label— the years of worrying that I am not likable, not responsible, not cooperative, not a good this or that, not a worthy something... the years of beating up myself just because I couldn’t reach the ‘lofty’ standards of this label... the years of feeling crushed, defiant, angry, frustrated at some people when they questioned the worth of this label...
So much suffering... just because... of this grasping of a label that doesn’t even hold water.
I see it now.
And I’m saying this to ego.
“I’m letting go now of this skin that you made me believe was my own. I know now that I don’t need to hold on to any false belief to know that I am already a decent being, adequate in my own ways. I don’t need titles, labels to validate my worth. You have been a good friend, but you have so often misled me and caused so much conflicts and sufferings in my life! I see it clearly and am able to make my choice now. I will let go of this grasping and be forever free from your neurotic clutches.”
Do you relate to this post? How do you deal with your ego? I would love to hear from you. :)
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